E: Love theory on relationships

In relationships love is widely spoken of and declared. Love bears, believes, hopes and endures all things, the Bible says. All you need is love, the Beatles sings. But the term is an abstract with many definitions and applications depending on the setting and persons involved.

What I have given a lot of thought lately is what factors that should be present for a (romantic) relationship to work, to be “right”. In certain ways they may all be dimensions or elements of love. This is should not be used as a checklist when getting involved, but maybe more so a bit of analytical input to grasp and make sense of big, abstract words, and possibly understand in what area possible issues reside.

A theoretical match
Faith, visions, political views and general interests do not have to be the same, but they should have no problems co-existing. I believe sharing a platform for worldview and values is essential.

An individual match
Communication is a key. Similarities in personality, humor, degree of sharing inner thoughts and feelings and particularly intellectual reasoning are very important.

Attraction
There needs to be a genuine appeal in wanting to be close the other being. To fall or be in love will sort under this category, but is in my view not compulsory. People are different, and the bubbling cannot-focus stage does not come easily to all. Falling in love can happen at various stages, various times in various ways.

Inner tranquility
With this I mean an inner drive, calm or conviction that the right person is at hand. This does not mean knowing what will happen; just that you know that you want to face whatever happens with that other being. When being with that other it should be like coming home, to be able to be yourself with the moods, anger, energy and even smell you have. This aspect is rarely distinctly discussed or heard of in regular talks on relationships. I believe this tranquility is underlying all other elements here. If you are not at peace with yourself regarding the relationship, you will not be able to grow and gain happiness solely with will, attraction and hope.

A few premises:
* Mutuality. It cannot work if it is only one-sided.
* Will. Mood and motivation will vary. A relationship becomes very fragile if there is no will power to get through the down
* Realistic expectations. No one is perfect, nor a relationship. All problems will not be solved or stop appearing just because to people work together.
* Timing. Both parties need to be open and prepared for entering the unity a relationship is.


Spiritual extra
Adding God into (or maybe above) the equation, further complicates it all – or does it? I believe God can help put people in our path, but that we have to make the choice to marry. I believe God created all, man, woman, sex, marriage, unity, fellowship etc. And he made if for us to enjoy it (and become many). But as we are created out of love, we are also given a will to decide if we want to love God or others. We also have a will to choose who to be with, I think.

A Christian couple have an advantage in that they
a) share the values and platform in where we are from, where we are going and how and what we are doing on this planet
b) have someone else but themselves/each other first in their lives. With focusing on putting God first in everyone and everything, they are working for the same goal.