E: Humorously lost in translation

English is a world language, but is not alwayws equally well-spoken throughout the globe. Here follows some laugh-out-loud examples from an exert of the book "Lost in Translation: Misadventures in English Abroad" by Charlie Croker (2006). The list is also referred to on ScaGOZO.com and recently on the online consumer web site for which I work: DinSide.

Air China brochure
Dear Passenger, Wish you have a joyful journey! When you are in public talking and Old Ladakh Guest House (hospitalizing since 1974).

Seoul
Choose twin bed or marriage size; we regret no King Kong size.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursdays.

In an Italian hotel, signs by the bell
If service is required, give two strokes to the maid and three to the waiter.
It is kindly requested from our guests that they avoid dirting and doing rumours in the rooms.
Hot and cold water running up and down the stairs.

Las Palmas, Canary Islands
If you telephone for room service you will get the answer you deserve.

Rome, Italy
Please dial 7 to retrieve your auto from the garbage.

Vietnam
Visitor should be not carried: arm, pets of material should be fired into the hotel. Visitor should be not ironed-cooked-washed. Hotel has got every service for a visitor.

Seoul
Measles not included in room charge.

Dalat, Vietnam
Laundry bag
19: Skirt
20: Stocking
21: Hand Kerchief
22: Big Towel
23: Small Towel
24: Hat
25: Shoes
26: Tie
27: Price of ironing
28: Car with 12 to 15 seats
29: Car with 4 seats.

Tel Aviv, Israel
If you wish breakfast, lift the telephone and our waitress will arrive. This will be enough to bring up your food.

Austria
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
Moscow, Russia
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Acapulco, Mexico
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Serbia
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. Turn to her straightaway.

Thailand
Please do not bring solicitors into your room.

Japan
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Possible 'How was the service?' answers, Cuba
a) Excellent
b) The awaited one
c) Almost the awaiting one
d) Nothing

Finland
If you cannot reach a fire exit, close the door and expose yourself at the window.

Copenhagen, Denmark
In the event of fire, open a window and announce your presence in a seemly manner.

Beijing
No smoking in bed. If it's on fire the guests should be disperse according to the safety way.

Tokyo
In case of earthquake, use the torch to pass yourself out.

Madrid
Our wine list leaves you nothing to hope for.

Nairobi, Kenya
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

Poland
As for the tripe served you at the Hotel Monopol, you will be singing its praises to your grandchildren on your deathbed.

Ankara
You are invite to visit our restaurant where you can eat the Middle East Foods in a European ambulance.

Replies from German hotels in response to inquiries about accommodation
Standing among savage scenery the hotel offers stupendous revelations.
There is a French widow in every bedroom, affording delightful prospects.
A hotel should be a home from home. But then again, it's at home where most deaths occur.

Sign in hire car, Tokyo, Japan
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Instructions on Japanese driving rules
At the rise of the hand of the policeman, stop rapidly. Do not pass him, otherwise disrespect him. Do not explosion the exhaust pipe. Avoid entanglement with your wheel spoke. Go soothingly on the grease mud as there lurks a skid demon.

Notice in sleeping carriage on Indian train
Do not invite thieves to sleep in the floor.

On a Soviet ship in the Black Sea
Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosoms and meet behind. Flee then to the indifferent lifesavering shippen obediencing the instructs of the vessel chef.

On a ferry in San Juan, Puerto Rico
In case of emergency, the lifeguards are under the seat in the center of the vessel.

Sign at ferry terminal in Davao, Phillipines
Adults: 1 USD
Child: 50 cents
Cadavers: subject to negotiation.